If you have experienced infidelity in your intimate relationship - I am sorry you have found yourself here trying to make sense of how your life suddenly fell apart, and possibly hoping to feel less alone in the indescribable agonising pain that is experienced in the aftermath of these experiences … But know that you are welcome here … I see you …
If you’re engaging in infidelity - I hope this can open a window to you perhaps understanding a fraction of what your partner is likely to be experiencing and to seek insight into how you ended up here …
For me discovering the infidelity of my partner of nearly two decades felt like a sucker punch. The wind was completely sucked out of my lungs. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and yet I had no choice but to do just that … keep breathing. I had two kids - one eight and one two and they needed what felt like every part of me … I had a job looking after a team at a hospital they needed me … there were all the regular life pressures like bills to be paid.
I wanted time to stop .. I felt like I needed to get off the roundabout of life and have some space to try to work this out …
And I had this deep primal urge to save my family …
I also remember a distinct feeling of surrealism - surely this was something that happened to other people … and not to me? … Sometimes I think this is the selfish part of humans and other times I marvel at our egos ability to shut out the world and focus only on us and our needs.
The coming weeks were full of insomnia (I didn’t sleep more than a few hours a night for months, it seemed my mind was determined to make that space I didn’t have in the day) … and grief …
There were constant waves of relentless emotions (searing sadness, anger, grief, hope, confusion … sometimes more than one at once) … and I remember symptoms like PTSD but surreal ones - I didn’t know who she was but I was having “flashes” of them together … and I was triggered by words and sounds …
The questions never seemed to end …
How could he do this?
Who was she?
How could he keep saying he needed to protect her - shouldn’t he be wanting to protect me and our kids?
Why didn’t I know?
Why didn’t I suggest we get help before this?
Will I live through this?
Will my kids be okay?
There are so many facets to this experience everyone’s context is so unique … is the infidelity emotional or physical? … is it once off or ongoing? … is this the first time infidelity has been discovered? … is the person know or unknown to you? … has your partner confessed or have you discovered? … do you want to go or stay? … do they want to go or stay? … did things seem fine before this or were there cues that things were broken?
And there’s no better or worse - it is just all is incredibly painful …
I was driven crazy trying to find out who this woman was - I would find myself obsessively scanning social media accounts, linked in profiles, emails and texts for any clues I could find.
There were months that I tried to convince him to stay - that the least he owed me and our kids was to try counselling. In our case there were obvious issues and known causes - years of IVF and recurrent pregnancy had left our relationship in tatters, partly because I needed to explore these and his tendency was to avoid. He reluctantly agreed and I felt great hope - which proved in this case unfounded. And in my desperation to 'do what was right' I allowed myself to be gaslight and deceived numerous more times.
I kept trying to read to find the blog, the book, the podcast, the therapist that would unlock the answers I needed to understand this giant mess I found myself living in. What I found was there was ALOT to read about when a partner is begging for forgiveness and sorry for what they’ve done - BUT very little for when the partner is sorry they’ve hurt you but doesn’t regret their actions - and is unrepentant and either wanting to leave or ambivalent.
I did find Esther Perel’s book “The State of Affairs” and it helped me understand some of the complex elements at play.
I kept thinking this is not how my life was supposed to be … this sense that I had had control over my future and it had been taken from me … Which of course I now know the reality was I never did have control …
In her book on her experience of infidelity “You Could Make this Place Beautiful” American writer and poet Maggie Smith has the epitaph
“I’m out with lanterns, looking for myself …”Emily Dickinson …
This rings so true for me … during the weeks he slept on the couch, we attempted counselling and travelled the roller coaster of trying to navigate this nightmare - I found myself looking at old photographs and grieving the woman I had been. I hadn’t even realised she had gone - fragment by fragment, thread by thread she had disappeared in a whirlwind of giving everything I had to caring for others.
This experience became a huge turning point in my life … and while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone ever and I would not wish to relive those agonising weeks and months I am grateful for the coming home to myself that happened in the process of healing …
I took an approach which in retrospect I’m grateful for and stand by - of always being honest with my kids. If they asked questions I answered them - as simply, developmentally appropriately and kindly as I could. When my 8 year old asked why dad was gone and I was sad one morning I told her - “Dad and I haven’t been communicating very well and that’s caused problems - we’re taking some space today and we’re going to try to work it out.”
When she went investigating herself to try to work out what was happening and found emails about ‘the other woman’ we had a family meeting him, me and her - and told her that dad had had another girlfriend which isn’t an okay way to behave and we were trying to work out what would happen next - but that our love for her was a given. When my two year old would say “Are you sad mummy?” I would answer “You’re right I am sad right now … it’s okay we’re all sad sometimes …” (I later learned in Hillary McBride's amazing conversation with Glennon Doyle - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWujoIS89Y0 - that when we try to protect our kids from our feelings we actually contribute to them not trusting their intuition and becoming disembodied.
I am so grateful for the counsellors and especially friends who supported me during this time - witnessing my pain, making space for my sad ramblings, holding space for my anger, confusion and grief.
I’m grateful for finding Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” book and then the “We Can Do Hard Things Podcast” which gave me a frame of reference for understanding the social pressures which had contributed to my willingly losing myself. This conversation with Maggie Smith is a particularly beautiful one if you’re grappling with this right now
In the years that have passed I have done a lot of work around what lead me to chose an avoidant person who rarely provided me with emotional support. I had to grief how long I’d let myself get lost in the “we”. That I’d let relationships that had true emotional intimacy go feeling like they were a betrayal.
I’ve also thought a lot about the social conversation about the imperative forgiveness, while I think is often victim blaming. I’ve decided for me I don’t buy into it … I have let go of my anger and distress - but he hasn’t said he’s sorry and so there’s no need or place for my forgiveness. For others I know forgiveness can be important to their capacity to feel healing.
I learnt to spend time in solitude, something we’re not very good at in our society - if this is something you want to explore more check out Kerri Sackville’s book “The Secret Life of You”.
These days I try to practice feeling my feelings - not avoiding them …
I try to offer myself the same compassion and grace I offer so abundantly to others …
And I think - why not me? Life is full of tough stuff and life and my work have shown me anything can change in an instant … so I think of the Mary Oliver quote “what is it you plan to do. With your one wild and precious life?” As often as possible …
The work is ongoing … the lessons can be both hard and and beautiful - but we all need connectedness so please don’t journey alone …
If it feels helpful and safe to do so share your experience or things that helped you in the comments
Thank you for this vulnerable, empowering reflection.