A few weeks ago one of my beautiful dogs became suddenly ill and died - within a day. A day during which I was hosting 10 children for a birthday party - and that’s the harsh reality of grief - it doesn’t wait for a quiet calm time in our lives it presents whenever and wherever the loss occurs, often at times that feel difficult and overwhelming.
It's also important to mention that while I am talking about grief arising from death - grief can result from many losses in life like the loss of job or the end of a relationship - and your grief is your grief ...
As I journeyed along the start of the messy path of grief - and held space and witnessed my children doing the same - I became reacquainted with many of the lessons I have learnt about grief over my years working in and and my lived experience in this space
Each time you experience grief it touches all your previous grief experiences
This can be helpful - there were things that I understood in ways I hadn’t before - like waking up and hoping it was all a bad dream … or feeling fine one moment and finding myself sobbing the next … or becoming aware of the many triggers around me. But it can also be impossibly hard as you find yourself not only bereft with your current loss - but retracing many of the precious losses you’ve had as the grief touches the wounds of all of your past loss …
Grief isn’t linear
While society has held onto old and misunderstood grief models suggesting grief progresses in predictable stages - grief is nothing like this …
“Grief rather is like the ocean it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and somethings it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison
Grief can bring guilt
One of my daughters articulated this perfectly when she said “It doesn’t seem fair to be going on, eating and playing when he’s dead” - it’s harsh how life continues around us when our worlds have come crashing down - when the the life of the one we loved has ceased to be … Depending on the circumstances of the death there can also be lingering questions about “What if I’d … “ - unanswerable and agonising
You need to make space for grief
The day after we’d sat at the vets saying goodbye - I cancelled everything. No school, no appointments … just us and tissues and the couch … time to just be with the immense sadness … time for each of us to explore what we needed - sleep, distraction, memory making …
Grief gives you a whole new appreciation of life - in time
I remember reading about a family who's young son had died of cancer describing how important it is to live fully in each moment - and how they had hated their son slamming the back door but would now give anything to have that backdoor slam again. I feel very lucky to have another little dog who we are now showering with more love - and are putting less energy into things that don't matter in the big picture - like when she pees in the bathroom
It is wonderful that we are starting to talk more as a society about grief - that it never goes away - we grow around it … that it’s raw and messy … And I’m very grateful to the many people who’ve had the courage to create social conversations through their own awful experiences of peoples ignorance and discomfort about grief. Andrew Garfield shares some of the most beautiful reflections on grief when he talks about the death of his mother with Steven Colbert - you can watch it here …
If you’re experiencing grief
https://refugeingrief.com/ - Megan Devine a psychotherapist, author and grief advocate
https://grief.com/ - David Kessler an American Grief Educators Website
On my website I also have some favourite books, podcasts and videos for adults and kids to support the journey of grief you can check them out here …
If you’d like to connect to make a time to make space for your individual grief journey reach out … theholdingspacecounselling@gmail.com
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