This weekend just gone had a number of significant and related awareness days. Saturday was TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons) Awareness Day, and Sunday was both National Miscarriage Awareness Day and International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I am sure that for many people the idea of days like these is uncomfortable, but for me they represents an important social move forward to recognising these devastating losses and collectively being present to the pain of others.
It has only been in recent years that miscarriage and TFMR have become more widely acknowledged, supported and spoken about, as we recognise that suppressing, minimising and ignoring grief is enormously detrimental. And while infant and child loss are gradually more widely spoken of - the experience of those who’ve lost their precious babies and children is often one of feeling misunderstood and frequently having their immense pain silenced.
I experienced recurrent miscarriage over four years in my journey to have my second child. During this time I had five miscarriages, a number of them after conceiving through IVF. Much time has passed, and I am so aware that I was one of the lucky ones - both to have had a first child and to eventually get my rainbow baby. But there are still - all this time later - moments which trigger deep sadness and intensely hard memories. These can be seeing something in a movie or show, hearing another story or song, or thinking of particular dates - suddenly I find myself with tears streaming transported back to that place of intense sadness, darkness and grief. I imagine these will always be a part of my memory and my heart, and a part of me wouldn’t want it any other way - I loved everyone of those babies with everything I had.
My first loss I was told was ‘normal’, and while this was statistically correct and intended to be comforting - it felt minimising. It was like I was being told to contain my sadness and move on. My most vivid memory at the time was of someone very close to me asking why I was crying only days after, and when I explained they said - ‘But that was two days ago and you can have another baby’ - and even as I type this the feeling of being so unseen in my pain comes flooding back. Mostly ironically I remember silence and awkwardness - people who I know wanted to support me but didn’t know how. As more losses followed my grief was compounded by friends distancing themselves or disappearing from my life - unable to accompany me in my sadness and despair.
In her incredible must read book Hard to Bear exploring the silence and alarming lack of research around miscarriage, Isabelle Oderberg shares the shattering statistic that a woman miscarries in Australia every five minutes . I no idea of this at the time of my losses. Ironically demonstrating both that miscarriage is indeed common - but also how little we have made space for the grief that can come with it.
There are so many ways in which we socially compound this grief - like not announcing pregnancy until 12 weeks in case of loss. This custom only leaves couples ultimately alone in their grief - with the message I got “It happens, it’s normal you shouldn’t really be too sad.”
During my career in health I have had the enormous privilege to sit in the devastating and indescribable space of infant and child loss. Then during my prac at Red Nose I was again beyond privileged to hold space with many families who had lost much wanted precious babies through miscarriage, TFMR and still birth and SIDS as well young children through accidents and illness. The courage these amazing humans have to keep living in the face of the enormity of their loss was beautiful - and their heartbreak at how unseen and unheard their pain often was by their medical teams, or their friends and families was devastating. I want us to start to have the courage as a society - to be with people in these hard desolate spaces of grief.
If you have suffered pregnancy loss, TRMR or the loss of a child you can receive support from Red Nose - by calling their 24 hour support line 1300 308 307 or leaving a message
If you’d like support as you sit with your loss please reach out theholdingspacecounselling@gmail.com
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