When I started counselling one of the things that I was most oblivious to was how completely disembodied I was. I remember my beautiful counsellor at the time would pause me part way through a charged fast moving narrative of the turbulence of that week and say “And where do you feel that in your body?”. I remember my response to this generally being annoyance, and I would often reply with something like I’m not sure .. but then …” bursting back into my story - and she would again calmly pause me and say “Let’s just try … if it feels okay close your eyes … now where do you feel that in your body …”
It took months for me to start to come back to my body and stop experiencing everything at such a completely cerebral level. While on the surface I would have said I felt my feelings very deeply, I am a very sensitive person and experience strong waves of emotions. But what I learnt was that what I wasn’t doing very well was tuning into these feelings - and staying with them - particularly those which felt uncomfortable - sitting with them and completing them. What I was doing was numbing with food, with streaming and with shopping.
In the Western World we have a series of narratives related to feelings which I think are very important to challenge. Let’s tackle a few of these today. The first is that we should be happy most of the time (or as I prefer to call it - toxic positivity). This is not only a fiction, but is quite damaging - at times boarding on victim shaming. Life is inevitably filled with all kinds of experiences which evoke all kinds of responses all of which require being felt and processed.
The second is that there are good and bad feelings - good feelings are those like happiness and contentment and bad being feelings such as anger, sadness. The truth is there are just feelings - signals that tell is that some kind of response is needed.
The third is that feelings are in our mind - inferring some capacity to control them. The reality (which was quite a revelation to me) is that they are called feelings because they are triggered by our nervous systems and are experienced in our bodies.
I love this Rumi poem …
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!...
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Which beautifully illustrates the buddhist concept of welcoming your feelings whatever they are by inviting them to tea, and sitting with them until they pass. This concept evolved from a story of Buddha inviting Mara, an apparent enemy, to come and sit comfortably with him as an honoured guest for tea, you can check out the story here - http://blog.tarabrach.com/2012/06/inviting-mara-to-tea.html.
If this is something you’re interested in exploring more - one of the piece of work I most highly recommend is a book by Drs. Emily and Amelia Nagoski “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” (if you like a taster before you engage with a book listen to their fabulous podcast with Brene Brown here - https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-emily-and-amelia-nagoski-on-burnout-and-how-to-complete-the-stress-cycle/. This book explores how feelings are very much in our bodies and have a beginning a middle and an end. It beautifully outlines the imperative to process them right through to have them exit our bodies, or suffer the physical consequences of their accumulation.
An interesting exercise to broaden your awareness of your feelings is to print out a Feelings Wheel - like the one here and when you have an experience that leaves you activated, overwhelmed or confused check in with the wheel to see if you can identify which specific feeling you are experiencing.
We’re lucky that these days there are lots of beautiful resources to help our little people to better understand and be in touch with their feelings and I’ve got a list of some of my favourites here on my resources page here - https://www.theholdingspacecounselling.com.au/_files/ugd/c8e2bc_8b11b6d2ae204a99bc42173ec051429d.pdf
If you can go and see the new Disney Pixar movie coming out next week - Inside Out 2 and spend some time with your feelings.
Share you experience with becoming more embodied, or a favourite book or resource on this topic.
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